“It’s not only the most difficult thing to know one’s self, but the most inconvenient.”
– Josh Billings
In life we wear smoke screens and at times, we become too comfy and too effective in carrying it. A smokescreen can be defined as a disguise, a front, a mask. But what are these for?
For me, it has become my defense mechanism. It was my shelter from anyone who would try to invade the ‘real’ me.
I created a smokescreen that I am someone who is ‘tough’ because I do not want people to see my weaknesses. I put up an image that I can never be reached out and I am at this certain stature in life that no one could outsmart me.
Why did I have to do it?
I had a hurtful past. In fact, I can say it’s worth writing about it as a ‘Maalaala Mo Kaya’ episode on Channel 2.
My dad went away with another woman. And the woman was my mom’s friend.
I knew it was painful for my mom to be deceived. The pain was even transferred to me that I hated my dad for what he did.
Over the years, I have realized that it is really difficult to maintain or endure such image. It’s like pretending. Oh well, having a mask all throughout is really not being true to one’s self. I was actually cheating myself, in the first place.
One day, when I had to deal with myself and understand why am I doing such—it was painful as a process; going through the motion of everyday life—of accepting who the ‘real’ me—the essence of me being a human.
It was like peeling off the skin that has been attached to me for years and has wrapped me with too much deceit.
After accepting myself as a human, I also learned to be more forgiving of myself.
Even with my relationships, I also get to sit down and learn to digest everything, accept the things that I sometimes have the difficulty of comprehending. But, what I learned is the letting go part and letting God do the work.
In my write life, I do not claim that I am the best writer there is. I am still a work-in-progress. I still have a lot of stuff to learn. I learn to accept rejections and move on; work on with my weaknesses and be the best that I can for myself and not for others.
Coming to terms with one’s self is quite a challenge. It is even more difficult to deal with an enemy or a friend. Dealing with one’s weaknesses and strengths can really be a humbling experience.
I remember telling my roommate that the reason why it is not messy when I am the one cooking—it is because I do not want to recreate the scene when my dad gets to cook—he has lots of assistants, which irked me and find the kitchen a total chaos. Also, I have learned to deal with other people who do not want to see any mess in the kitchen. Perhaps that is the reason behind why I am an obsessive compulsive in some ways.
Despite that I also have learned not to be too hard on myself rather I know how to give some leeway for myself—loving myself even the more.